Editor’s Flops – NZ Film Freak

Green Book

Director: Peter Farrelly
Writers: Nick Vallelonga, Brian Hayes Currie and Peter Farrelly
Released: November 2018
Starring: Viggo Mortensen, Mahershala Ali and Linda Cardellini
—

I was looking forward to watching a movie full of triumphs and heart-wrenching moments. I guess I was expecting Little Miss Sunshine meets Hidden Figures meets The Help.

Sadly, Green Book was a somewhat shallow story that did not reach the emotional depths that I expected it would.

It’s about Frank “Tony Lip” Vallelonga (Viggo Mortensen) who works as a bouncer before being asked to drive a successful (and rather pompous) African American musician (Doctor Don Shirley) around the deep south.

Shirley specifically asked Vallelonga to drive him from concert to concert, in part because of how dangerous it would be for him in the deep south, where racist views of the 1960s were at its most hostile.

To be perfectly blunt, I didn’t like either character.

Our introduction to Vallelonga was of him throwing drinking glasses away that two African American men drank from. Despite this prejudice, he was in no way racist or intolerant throughout the rest of the film. It was rather jarring, and also reduced the character conflict within the movie to next to none.

Shirley appears to be an extremely sheltered man who rides in the back seat of the car with a blanket over his legs, putting his nose up at deep-fried chicken, and looking down on any one who acts anything less than ‘upper class’.

I couldn’t identify with either character at all.

The movie speeds through concert after concert, city after city, lingering on a few well-thought-out racist clashes between Shirley and police or thugs in pubs. Making the film feel rather undeveloped.

The story is punctuated by the classical music that Shirley is performing, but I found this to be rather dull. I would have preferred jazz or honky tonk blues (a genre that raises its head in one of the final scenes!).

Just realised why I was disappointed with the music – the trailer features zero classical music! Only jazz and a pop song by Sam Smith… The whitest man on the planet.

It’s just not what I expected, I guess.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

beauty and the beast.jpg

Director: Bill Condon
Writers: Linda Woolverton (Disney film), Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont (story)
Released: March 2017
Starring: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens, Luke Evans, Kevin Kline, Josh Gad, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Audra McDonald, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Ian McKellen, Emma Thompson
—

The 1991 Disney animation of Beauty and the Beast is a movie that I love dearly. So while I had major reservations about this remake – mostly because of Emma Watson – I was quietly optimistic about it. Perhaps today’s technology will enhance the magic…

But no. It doesn’t. This remake was appalling, and my reluctance to watch it was proven understandable.

The casting was totally wrong. Right off the bat Emma Watson – or should I say Hermione Granger – was a problem. While she fits the physicality of Belle, her same-old expression of open-mouthed, furrow-browed facials were tiring to say the least.

beauty and the beast2.jpg

I personally would have cast another semi-unknown actress like Lily James who played Cinderella in the 2015 remake, or Mia Wasikowska as Alice in the 2010 remake of Alice in Wonderland.

Not only was the protagonist the wrong choice, I also found that Emma Thompson had a really harsh voice, which didn’t fit the part of the warm motherly character, Mrs Potts. I think Julie Walters would have done it better.

I love Stanly Tucci, but I’m not sure how he stumbled into this film either. However, Josh Gad as LeFou was perfect. (He played the snowman in Frozen.)

I don’t think the horse Philippe should have been a dapple grey. What’s wrong with keeping him bay?

Fun fact: Ryan Gosling turned down the role of the Beast for the lead role in La La Land. Emma Watson turned down what became Emma Stone’s role in La La Land for this film. (Thank the stars above for their decisions.)

The storyline strayed a little too far from the fairytale for my liking. It went into how Belle’s mother died and how it put a strain on her relationship with her father. It was an unnecessary deviation. Because of these added sequences, I found the rest of the film to be condensed and rushed. (In the 1991 film, I swear it takes longer for Belle to fall in love with the beast.)

I wonder if Emma Watson influenced the story? Because it has far stronger feminist themes through it now, where Belle is forever in control and smarter than the rest. Which made me dislike her. Especially because of the very poignant moments where Belle would make it exceptionally clear that she is a strong independent woman who don’t need no man… She may as well have turned to camera and say ‘#timesup’.

The songs are lengthened, which was also unnecessary and I honestly started daydreaming a bit.

Beauty and the Beast was trying too hard. Trying too hard to make it better than the animation, and all the unusual actors that were cast seemed to be desperately trying to prove themselves too. Over-theatrical acting turned it into a stage play rather than a live-action movie.

No, no, no, no and no. I shan’t be your guest and I disagree entirely with the casting decisions and with messing-about with the story.

Jodie’s rating: 3/10

Sorry Roberta, thank you for lending me the DVD though :) x

Signs

Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
Released: August 2002
Starring: Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, Abigail Breslin
—

What a shame.

I love The Sixth Sense. I love The Village. I love Split. Unbreakable was pretty cool. But how has Signs not kept up with the Shyamalan grade?

I love a good sci-fi thriller as much as the next person, but this had all the potential and none of the thrills.

It’s about Father Graham Hess (Mel Gibson – I guess Bruce Willis was sick that day) who has lost faith in God after his wife was killed by a driver, Ray (M. Night Shyamalan), who fell asleep at the wheel. If he had fallen asleep and veered off the road at literally any other point during his journey, then Graham’s wife would still be alive. This fact haunts both Graham and Ray.

Ray: I’ve never fallen asleep while driving before. It had to be at that right moment. That 10-15 seconds when I passed her walking. It’s like it was meant to be.

This theme of fate and destiny plays a large part in this film.

Graham: People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance…

Meanwhile, what is supposed to be the main plot point takes a back seat thanks to all the internal conflict: Graham has bloody great big crop circles appearing on his land. Then, unidentified intruders begin to appear on his property.

His younger brother Merrill (Joaquin Phoenix) and Graham’s two children Bo (Abigail Breslin) and Morgan (Rory Culkin – Haley Joel Osment must not have been available) hide in the basement when the aliens begin to attack.

Now I see what helped inspire the Tom Cruise film War of the Worlds. Especially with the whole single dad and smart-ass children thing going on. Cruise’s character is even call Ray in War of the Worlds – just like Shyamalan’s character in this movie!

Unfortunately, the Morgan character was such a little know-it-all that he’d basically tell the audience exactly what was going to happen, just before it happened. So by the time the aliens did invade, you already knew what they’d do and why anyway.

In addition to his over-shares, was that we are shown the aliens in broad daylight – big mistake. It’s far more scary when you don’t know what the monsters look like.

If that wasn’t enough, the lack of music did not work in the film’s favour at all. Isn’t that rule number one of filmmaking? It’s the music that sets the mood, but the lack of if in vital scenes during this film meant that there were many points where it fell flat instead of making you jump.

Bo: There’s a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?

Very flat. To the point where the story of alien invasion ground to a halt while Graham reflected on his faith and internalised emotional conflict.

The story was trying to be more complex and more philosophical than it needs to be, with jarringly comedic dialogue to snap you out of any suspense that may have been growing. It drags the film to a crawl and you no longer feel afraid – which, I’m certain was the opposite effect they were going for.

Graham: Everybody in this family needs to just calm down and eat some fruit or something.

There were too many monologues and too many over-layered scenes for me to really get stuck in.

I’m so disappointed because I can see this story had so much potential, I just think it was executed in the wrong way. Which is doubly-disappointing because the genius M. Night Shyamalan is behind it all.

What happened?

Jodie’s rating: 3/10

Cloverfield

Director: Matt Reeves
Writer: Drew Goddard
Released: January 2008
Starring: Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, Michael Stahl-David, Mike Vogel, Odette Yustman
—

Cloverfield is basically The Blair Witch Project but set during an apocalypse in a city, rather than a witch hunt in the woods. I thought it would be an easy watch, and perhaps even a good film as I’ve always heard it being referenced to.

(Not to be confused with 10 Cloverfield Lane, which is the second instalment.)

But it was not entertaining, exciting or scary. I was hanging on by a shoestring the whole time I was watching it, holding on to the possibility that it might get better. But then it ended.

I felt incredibly deflated. But kudos for keeping me hooked just enough for me not to turn the film off.

Basically, a guy called Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is leaving America and going to Japan and all his friends and work colleagues throw him a surprise party. Rob’s camera is given to a friend called Hudson (T.J. Miller) who is in charge of filming the party and testimonials. One woman, Beth (Odette Yustman) , speaks to camera and it’s revealed that she is the ex-girlfriend who is clearly still in love with Rob. Rob feels the same way, shown by the regret he expresses when she leaves the party – just before the lights go out in the city.

Suddenly, buildings are falling and everyone scatters into the city streets. Hudson is still filming everything and he sticks close to Rob who is hell-bent on finding Beth, who he decides is the love of his life. In the distance a large shadow can be seen – a monster who is smashing up the street.

It reminded me of Godzilla meets War of the Worlds in that respect. But a far more simplified and cheesy version.

I appreciate there are many qualities in this film that would make it ideal to study at school: A small group of characters on a quest despite the uphill struggle and imminent danger posed by a monster. Simple film techniques and good use of sound effects in the place of music. It’s a relatable environment, and the storyline plays on our fears.

But quite frankly, it was boring. Without giving away too much, the open-ending was incredibly unsatisfying and way too many of the core characters get killed off, which is a let-down because most films need a hero in order for the audience to feel content at the end.

I would say it was a brilliant, if not predictable, film if you told me it was made by a group of self-funded film school students. But surprisingly, Paramount Pictures is behind this.

All in all, you’ll find yourself scoffing and eye-rolling rather than watching through sweaty fingers at the end of your seat.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

Maleficent

Director: Robert Stromberg
Writer: Linda Woolverton (screenplay), Charles Perrault and Disney (story and characters)
Released: May 2014
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Sharlto Copley, Elle Fanning, Sam Riley, Imelda Staunton, Juno Temple, Lesley Manville
—

I had disregarded Maleficent as a boring and unnecessary retelling of a well-known fairytale. But I asked around and heard such positive reviews about it, so I decided to give it a chance especially because Sleeping Beauty is one of my favourites and Maleficent is about the ‘baddie’ of that tale.

Maleficent (Angelina Jolie) is a powerful fairy who lives in a land adjacent to a town. One day, she meets a human man called Stefan (Michael Higgins (child), Jackson Bews (teen)) and they fall in love. Unfortunately, they drift apart because Stefan is all like, ‘I want power, money and control; I’m going get a job in our local castle’. But she’s like, ‘oh no, I’m heartbroken’.

Years later, Stefan returns to Maleficent’s land as an adult (Sharlto Copley). He pretends to be in love with her still, but actually he’s their at the request of the king to kill Maleficent in order to govern her fairy land. Stefan doesn’t have the heart to kill her, but he does burn her wings off.

She’s pissed about this.

So she enlists the help of a crow (Sam Riley) to watch the castle as Stefan eventually becomes king, gets married and has his first child: Aurora. And the rest is history.

What I love is that Maleficent turns into a jealousy-fuelled, hardened bitch, just like any human would if they were heartbroken. I love this about her character; it’s quite comical. It reminds me of the resentment carried by Charlize Theron in Young Adult.

This story is full of feminist themes and ‘girl-power’ – specifically the part where the spell is no longer broken by a handsome prince’s kiss (very similar to Frozen actually). While I get that Disney is trying to move with the times, I would like to make it clear that as a woman I would not be offended by a princess falling in love with a handsome man and living happily ever after.

In addition to this, while I’m happy for films to have feminist themes, I don’t think that should necessarily mean that men in the story should be demonised as a result. Not only is King Stefan’s actions the sole reason behind Maleficent’s curse, but the handsome Prince Phillip (Brenton Thwaites) is powerless in this version of the story.

Prince Phillip: I’m looking for a girl.
Maleficent: Of course you are.

Nevertheless, I appreciate this is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of the enemy. Which, is an inspiring tale – there really are two sides to every story.

The film looks very much like a stage show with unrealistic landscapes, which I personally didn’t like because I couldn’t lose myself in the story.

But the casting was well done. Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones were the star of the show, and her portrayal of a vengeful woman was brilliant, even funny at times.

[Maleficent is magically healing damaged trees in the woods]
Aurora: Hello.
[Maleficent turns around to see a smiling toddler Aurora]
Maleficent: Go away.
[Aurora walks closer to Maleficent]
Maleficent: Go. Go away.
[Aurora hugs Maleficent]
Maleficent: I don’t like children.

Sharlto Copley is still playing the most terrifying characters in film. And, Aurora (Elle Fanning) was annoyingly perfect, but the three fairy godmothers did bestow her with permanent happiness and beauty, so I guess that’s not the actor’s fault for having zero emotion.

I love the idea of having the story told from the baddie’s point-of-view. I hope to see more fairytales told in this way. I’m looking forward to Cruella de Vil actually. It’s in pre-production and stars Emma Stone as the famous villain.

But overall, I found the fake environment difficult to accept, and the large step away from the traditional storyline was a bit disappointing… I’m still in love with the love story of the 1959 Sleeping Beauty.

Also, the horses didn’t play a large enough role for my liking.

Let’s keep an eye-out for Maleficent 2 though! It’s currently being filmed.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

Everybody’s Fine

Director: Kirk Jones
Writer: Kirk Jones
Released: December 2009
Starring: Robert DeNiro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, Sam Rockwell
—

“Frank’s travelling light but carrying excess baggage”

It’s a film I’d never heard of, but bought at a second hand shop on a whim because it featured Robert DeNiro.

It’s advertised as a drama and marketed around Christmas time because of the family themes in the story. However, I think it would have brought a dark cloud over the holidays if you were to watch this film during December! The marketing is incredibly misleading:

It’s not funny. It’s not happy. It’s not carefree.

Everybody’s Fine is a remake of an Italian film of the same name. It’s about recently widowed Frank Goode (Robert DeNiro) who organises a family reunion, but all of his adult children cancel on him. So, he packs a small suitcase and sets off on a journey to visit each one unannounced.

Hoping to be a part of their wonderfully successful lives, he quickly finds that his children aren’t doing as well as they say they are. They have been separated from each other by geographical and emotional distance, and are all experiencing hard times one way or another.

It’s a hard-hitting and overall sad journey, certainly not an uplifting festive film. It’s about family drifting apart, and protecting each other with secrets. It’s upsetting seeing DeNiro’s character’s disappointment and helplessness.

I think if all the pain and upset led to a more cheerful conclusion, or if there was more relief, then it would have been worth while. But unfortunately this story of broken families and damaged people is far too common, and it comes across as more of a disastrous series of events, which will probably hit a little too close to home for many.

I planned on donating this film back to the second hand shop, but it’s still on my desk at work. I didn’t realise how much the storyline got me – it’ll give you a lump in your throat for sure. But ultimately, it’s a film that will bring you down to earth and take the spring out of your step for a while.

So, I’ll probably never watch it again if I’m honest. Kind of like the movie Seven Pounds. It’s a powerful, but hopelessly depressing one-time watch.

If anything, the film portrays the emotional journey of Frank very well. But despite having comedic/light-hearted actors cast (Robert DeNiro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, Sam Rockwell…), it’s not a funny film. I think it was supposed to be a ‘Christmas dramaedy’, but it definitely missed the mark.

Not terrible, but also not something you’d want to gift to anyone.

Jodie’s rating: 5/10

Dark Places

dark places

Director: Gilles Paquet-Brenner
Writer: Gilles Paquet-Brenner (Based on Dark Places by Gillian Flynn)
Released: August 2015
Starring: Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult and Chloë Grace Moretz
—

Why do I do this to myself? I read the book, then watch the movie. Of course I’m going to be disappointed.

As per the Gillian Flynn book of the same name, this is a story about a seven-year-old girl, Libby Day, who witnessed the massacre of her family. She testifies against her 15-year-old brother, who gets jail for life.

Libby is still emotionally scarred by the murders 25 years on, and is struggling with depression, to pay bills, to even get out of bed in the mornings. When one day, some random (Nicholas Hoult) gets in touch to explain there is growing belief that her brother is innocent.

With the motivation of getting a bit of desperately-needed cash by speaking to this man, she begins to question what happened that day. Did she really see her brother killing her family?

Basically, what was a layered and intriguing mystery in the book, becomes a simplified one-watch film. It’s really nothing special. It’s just a good-looking woman skulking about, and figuring out the mystery with very little effort.

dark places 2

Beyond this basic storyline, is my annoyance at the casting of Libby Day. Libby is a big-breasted, short, red-haired woman with a temper. She is not a tall, athletic, beautiful pixie-haired woman… In other words, Charlize Theron should not have been the main character. But she produced it, so she cast herself despite the obvious physical differences. She don’t care. #richpeoplelife

It’s just so annoying! The integrity of the story is weakened by this obvious disregard for the main character. Then again, have you ever heard of an average-looking Hollywood actor getting a main part in a movie? I guess there’s a bigger force at play here.

I was able to watch Dark Places while simultaneously doing multiple other things and still felt like I experienced what little impact there was to experience.

Overall, it’s an easy-watch (even though it’s not supposed to be).

Jodie’s rating: 5/10

Murder on the Orient Express

Director: Kenneth Branagh
Writer: Based on Agatha Christie’s novel. Screenplay by Michael Green
Released: November 2017
Starring: Kenneth Branagh, Penélope Cruz, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Johnny Depp, Josh Gad, Derek Jacobi, Leslie Odom Jr., Michelle Pfeiffer and Daisy Ridley
—

‘Um. No.’ – My review in brief of both the film and book.

I read the book then immediately watched the film, but ultimately they were both disappointing. (The film, more so.)

I am a huge Agatha Christie fan and have read a fair few of her books, but despite its fame, Murder on the Orient Express is by far the biggest disappointment – mostly due to the ending.

CHARACTERS
Basically, in regards to the film, there are far too many characters to keep track of and far too many details to ponder for it to be an enjoyable murder mystery film. Whereas in the book, it is an intriguing and baffling mystery – because you have time to think about everything and consider all the possibilities before the conclusion.

In addition to this, I’d like to add that there are many big names in this film, who seemed to have been cast despite their obvious lack of similarity to the characters in the book.

For example, Mrs Hubbard is described as a plump, humorous, brash, loud and excitable woman, but also motherly and thinks highly of her daughter. Quite clearly, I imagined Kathy Bates would play the role (with her performance of Molly Brown in Titanic in mind), who is the opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer who played Mrs Hubbard in the film as a flirtatious cougar:

Several characters that are included in the book are excluded in the film, or are merged into one character, which became somewhat confusing and disappointing. I was quite attached to the sobbing, ‘sheep-faced’ Greta Ohlsson, who was totally removed from the film.

“She’s like a sheep, you know. She gets anxious and bleats.”

The detective, Hercule Poirot, gets things wrong in the film and accuses people too early. He comes across as a bit of an amateur, which is absolutely not accurate. Totally unlike the calm, level-headed, particular Hercule Poirot who knows the answers long before he says so.

DIALOGUE
In the film, there is a few action scenes that echo Sherlock Holmes. I felt this was jarring and unnecessary (and are not in the book, I might add!).

I was disappointed by this tone of the film because I was expecting a The King’s Speech kind of feel. Where the dialogue becomes a character of its own, where it is so captivating that you find yourself totally lost in what the character is saying – looking for clues in the way they choose their words. Where the dialogue is isolated by extreme close-ups and static camerawork during dry, but captivating monologues.

It’s a shame really! I can see so clearly what I would change about this movie. There is so much important dialogue, but its treated as a nuisance that is rushed through and forgotten about and interjected with pointless action scenes.

ENDING
The ending was the biggest let-down – in terms of the book and film. Without giving it away completely, I will say that if ‘…and he woke up and it was all a dream‘ is the worst ending to a story ever, then the ending to Murder on the Orient Express is the second to worst ending ever. It was a massive deflation after a long, climactic, uphill hike.

In regards to the film, it was more than just the ending that was disappointing. It was the film in its entirety. Basically, there are around 15 main characters in this story, and all of them need to be given almost equal attention as they are all suspects and they all need to be interviewed.

So, as you can imagine, this means there is a lot of detail that needs to be told to the audience in a very short amount of time!

I don’t mean to do the cliche thing of saying ‘it was not as good as the book’, because although this is true, I think Murder on the Orient Express is a story that is simply unsuitable for the screen. It just doesn’t work – there’s too much information that needs to be conveyed.

Basically, if you haven’t read the book, you’re probably going to be quite lost in the film because they skim over the dialogue – which is all disguised in heavy accents anyway. So even if you do catch some important detail, you probably won’t be able to decipher the meaning of it anyway.

MY CONCLUSION
Overall, not Agatha Christie’s best ending, and not an enjoyable film. Too confusing and without the ‘gasps’ and intrigue of the book. Perhaps if Kenneth Branagh picked between playing the main character or the director, instead of doing both, then perhaps more time would have been spent on the script.

I know no one intends to make a bad film… But y’all made a bad film.

Jodie’s rating: 3/10

Their Finest

Director: Lone Scherfig
Writer: Based on Their Finest Hour and a Half by Lissa Evens. Screenplay by Gaby Chiappe
Released: April 2017
Starring: Gemma Arterton, Sam Claflin, Bill Nighy, Jack Huston, Helen McCrory, Eddie Marsan, Jake Lacy, Rachael Stirling and Richard E. Grant
—

Well. That was a pretty enormous disappointment.

After seeing the trailer, I thought, ‘this is my kind of film’. During 1940, a female protagonist, Catrin (Emma Arterton) proves herself to be a talented screenwriter for propaganda films (created to inform, and to lift the spirits of the public). Bill Nighy – a fabulous actor – plays an egotistical has-been actor called Ambrose, and everyone looks beautiful.

‘Brilliant’, I thought, ‘a coming-of-age drama based around film and writing – both things I love – with a sprinkle of comedy and a touch of tragedy against a wartime backdrop.’

How wrong I was.

The first part is entertaining enough, Catrin is living with her husband who is basically a failed artist and not earning much money. She lands this great writing job where she writes the ‘slop’, or female dialogue.

Tom Buckley (Sam Clafin): Don’t confuse facts with truth… Film is real life with the boring bits cut out.

She soon becomes more successful in a male-dominated world, and warms to a fellow writer. Among this, everyone is dodging London bombings. At the end of every raid, someone else she knows has died.

The story carries the standard structure of any drama. But unfortunately my suspension of disbelief is totally destroyed during the ‘absolute low’. Without giving too much away, after a particularly devastating bombing, the protagonist loses everything.

Afterwards, the story is supposed to take a turn for the better, with a happy ending. However, the protagonist doesn’t ‘win’ at the end, and the story falls off a cliff. I’ve seem this film described as a ‘bittersweet, uplifting romance-drama’. It’s not. It’s an unnecessarily devastating war film.

I was disappointed to say the least. Why tear our hero down so far? Where’s the inspiration in that? This was supposed to be a story about an underdog who succeeded despite the war, despite being a woman in a man’s world, despite being downtrodden and disrespected. (Her lack of ability to stand up for herself is frustrating to say the least.)

In fact, it’s a story about an underdog who, with a lot of hard work, succeeds professionally and personally despite everything – until the rug is pulled from under her and she ends up worse-off than ever. Who the hell wants to watch a film like that? It just made me feel bad.

I enjoyed how the story was about a writer, who in some scenes is shown to be rewriting how her day turned out, or rewriting a conversation she had where she wished she said something differently (something I sometimes do!). I also liked the exploration into why people love films.

Tom Buckley: Why do people like films? It’s because stories are structured. They have a shape, a purpose, a meaning; and when things go bad they’re still a part of a plan; there’s still a point to them. Unlike life.

I like how she had professional success and that she was proud of herself, but overall, I walked away with the message ‘give it a go despite the odds. Try really hard. But you’ll fail and end up with no one and nothing anyway’.

What the hell, Bill Nighy. I trusted you.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them

Director: David Yates
Writer: J. K. Rowling
Released: November 2016
Starring: Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything), Katherine Waterston, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Ezra Miller (The Perks of Being a Wallflower), Samantha Morton, Jon Voight, Carmen Ejogo, Ron Perlman and Colin Farrell (In Bruges).
—

After 20 minutes of watching this Harry Potter spin-off, I realised it was not going to get any better.

A story of a man (Eddie Redmayne) who was expelled from Hogwarts goes to America to save and conserve magical beasts that have been wrongly accused of being dangerous within the magical community.

Unfortunately, this gets out of hand and his magical beasts escape into New York city and interact with Muggles – or as the Americans call them, No-maj. (Non-magical people.)

I had hyped myself up to see it because I had recently had a Harry Potter movie binge-watch, and had read one of the Potter books. So I thought, to be a real Harry Potter fan, I really ought to see Fantastic Beasts before it ‘disapparated’ from the cinemas.

Unfortunately, it was everything I feared and less:

A desperate clutch at straws to keep Harry Potter cool. Only this time, rather than a down to Earth, scary, gothic English classic, it was drenched in melodrama, and dripping with cringe-worthy, unrealistic American dialogue.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them behind the scenes I am aware it was based in New York. But it was too clean, too cheesey, theatrical and lame.

I think it was a business decision to change the tone of the Harry Potter franchise. Perhaps to draw in the American audience. But, as an English Harry Potter film fan, I certainly felt alienated. I don’t enjoy the faff and bright colours of Hollywood in a supernatural movie. The movie just seemed made of plastic. You could tell every scene was filmed on a stage – I kept waiting to see the edge of the cardboard walls when the camera panned.

David Tennant who plays The Doctor I thought some of the characters had jumped out of an old Doctor Who episode. (You’ll know what I mean if you’ve seen the David Tennant Doctor Who episode ‘Daleks in Manhattan’.)

Finally: What. the. hell. Why did Johnny Depp make an appearance at the end? Did anyone else get confused by this? Maybe the set design lacked in realism because all the budget was spent on Mr. Depp’s two-second appearance. So ridiculous.

If I hadn’t of spent so much on a cinema ticket, I would have walked out.

But maybe the book is better.

Jodie’s rating: 3/10

David Brent: Life of the Road

David Brent in the office life on the road poster

Director: Ricky Gervais
Writer: Ricky Gervais
Released: August 2016
Starring: Ricky Gervais
(Unfortunately no guest appearances in this one. Not even Karl Pilkington!)
—

Looking forward to having a big belly laugh, my boyfriend was quick to remind me about his older films. Of which only one – Cemetery Junction – I enjoyed.

He was right, and my initial excitement for David Brent: Life on the Road suddenly took a dive.

Thinking about it, Ricky Gervais has a knack for TV series, but in his film career – in my opinion – he has always been a one-trick-pony.

David Brent is now working in a different office, but takes unpaid holiday to do a local ‘tour’ with his band.

David Brent in the office of life on the road movie review After the first five-minutes of becoming reacquainted with the cocky and cringe-worthy character of David Brent, the repetitive jokes were drilled in over and over. This comedy became boring quite rapidly.

With the amount of static tripod shots used, even the documentary-style quickly slipped away. The interviews with the characters basically told the audience what we already knew about David Brent. We know he’s hopeless and harmless, funny, and ignorant rather than arrogant.

We know how to feel about the character – stop telling us.

The cringe-worthiness became tiring over the one and a half hours. In fact, I ended up giving up on the protagonist rather than being behind him.

David Brent and rapper in Life of the Road I did enjoy some of the lyrics in his songs. A previously unexploited skill of Ricky Gervais’, with a taster of his lyrics shown in the David Bowie episode of Extras.

I missed the banter from the characters in The Office. Instead, the office David Brent works in now were simply split into bullies and heroes, which wasn’t as relatable as in the TV series.

The ‘c-word’ was thrown in for good measure – typical of Gervais films.

If it wasn’t for my boyfriend’s reminder before entering the cinema, I would have been far more disappointed than I was. Instead, this movie has simply reinforced Ricky Gervais’ strengths and weaknesses.

I hope he can team up with Stephen Merchant again to make another super successful TV show. (Like Extras, which I have always found gut-wrenchingly funny.)

David Brent: life on the Road is another typical Gervais film. Not so much aimed toward The Office fans, but more toward Gervais film fans in general. If you love Ghost Town and The Invention of Lying, then you’ll love David Brent: Life on the Road.

Jodie’s Rating: 4/10

Hector and the Search for Happiness

Director: Peter Chelsom
Writer: Peter Chelsom,Tinker Lindsay and Maria von Heland. Based on the novel of the same name by François Lelord
Released: September 2014
Starring: Simon Pegg, Rosamund Pike and Toni Collette
—

I thought this was going to be an English version of Walter Mitty… I think that was the aim anyway, but it certainly wasn’t the final product.

Unfortunately, this potentially deep and meaningful storyline was not achieved due to the general lack of believability, and the distaste toward the main character, Hector (Simon Pegg).

Basically, Hector is a psychiatrist and he finds himself unfulfilled. So he goes on a journey around the world, visiting countries including China and Africa, to find out what makes people happy.

But right off the bat, the audience stops rooting for the protagonist when he cheats on his wife in China, then meets up with an old flame in America. Suddenly, we no longer think well of Hector and the story goes down hill from there.

So the suspension of disbelief has plummeted, and for the rest of the film I’m hoping his wife Clara (Rosamund Pike) tells him he’s a disgusting excuse for a man and dumps him.

To save you the suspense, here are some of the things he learns makes people happy. Like most other films in the ‘runaway’ genre, he writes down his experiences.

Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.
A lot of people think happiness is being rich or important.
Many people see happiness only in their future.
Happiness could be the freedom to love more than one woman at the same time. (Which I’m sure will result in the unhappiness of people around him!)
Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

Anyway. I was disappointed because I love Walter Mitty so much and I thought this would be just as inspiring. Although, the fact it wasn’t shown in the major theatres here in New Zealand should have been a clue.

A great excuse to travel the world for some lucky cast and crew.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10
1) Because I still enjoy movies about travel, 2) it has Simon Pegg in it, 3) it has Rosamund Pike in it, and 4) the trailer is pretty awesome.

What We Did on our Holiday

What We Did on our Holiday film poster Directors: Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin
Writers: Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin
Released: September 2014
Starring: David Tennant, Rosamund Pike and Billy Connolly
—

Like my horse, it’s funny at the beginning, saggy in the middle and a bit crappy at the end.

This is a film – featuring the spectacular David Tennant (Dr. Who!!) and Rosamund Pike – about a family of five going on holiday to Scotland for the grandfather’s 75th birthday party.

Long story short, the parents are having a divorce but only the children know, and they are sworn to secrecy while visiting their sickly grandfather so as to keep his final years pleasant.

What We Did on our Holiday film with David Tennant and Rosamund Pike Pike plays the mum, Abi, Tennant as the dad, Doug, and Billy Connolly as the granddad, Gordie.

Abi and Doug have three children, the easiest way to describe them is as the intelligent and serious one, the creative one and the youngest and funniest one. Sort of like in that Lemoney Snicket movie A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I found the first third of the movie hilarious – such a typical English comedy. It reminded me of About a Boy. I was laughing out loud watching it on the plane and everything. (Although, that was after two bourbon and cokes…)

After that, it got quite slow. The drama began to set in, but there wasn’t enough at stake, perhaps, for the audience to feel to effected?

What We Did on our Holiday film Nevertheless, the script was amazing. Some fantastic one-liners! For example, the youngest child has a brick and a rock as friends:

Doug: Have you seen anybody about this?
Abi: Like a geologist?

And a whooooooole other bunch of funny lines, which I can’t find on the internet for you because it’s a newish film.

I think this movie has great intentions, and it was almost awesome from beginning to end, with philosophical and comedic moments.

Jodie’s rating: 6/10

Now You See Me

Director: Louis Leterrier
Writers: Boaz Yakin and Edward Ricourt
Released: July 2013
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, Mark Ruffalo, Mélanie Laurent, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman
—

Um. Yeeeeaaaah. So the reviews I had been reading before I went to see Now You See Me, basically stated that it was over-complicated and so layered that one would need to watch it more than once.

This is quite simply, not the case.

It is so clichéd, so typical, so obvious, that the ending could be guessed half way through the film.

The ‘twist’ is… Barely even a twist. It wasn’t shocking or unforeseen at all. My reaction was more like, “oh yeah. Hmm. I’m not surprised”.

So, it really is nothing like The Prestige. The magicians are superficial and unlovable, as are the other characters who are all underdeveloped. For the most part, they were unbelievable – despite the epic cast!

I usually love Woody Harrelson’s and Michael Caine’s work, but they really weren’t given the chance to shine. Their characters were brief and shallow. But oh my God, Jesse Eisenberg just got on my nerves! I can’t stand the characters he plays, who are usually very similar.

The story was like something seen on a long-running TV series like CSI or what not. It was so… Average.

The only cool parts were when they explained how the tricks were performed. That was quite effective.

Unfortunately, there were a lot of major jump-cuts that became jarring. Leaving out a lot of footage, although kept the pace, did make you feel disconnected from the film.

I am quite disappointed in this movie. Despite hearing negative reviews on this film I still went into the theatre expecting to be thoroughly entertained and mystified… Yeah.. Nah.

Meh! It’s okay. Nothing special.

Jodie’s rating: 5/10

This is the End

Directors: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg
Writers: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg
Released: June 2013
Starring: James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Michael Cera, Emma Watson, Rihanna…
—

If you enjoyed The Hangover, Ted, 21 Jump Street and Superbad, then you will probably love this movie.

It is about the end of the world and how it affects the stars of Hollywood. In the film, their public image is mocked and they play to their weaknesses. Like, what do you reckon Michael Cera, Jonah Hill and Christopher Mintz-Plasse are like at a party? Yeah, they play to your assumptions which is quite hilarious.

As the world comes to an end, those who did not get saved and go to heaven have to stay on Earth to fight for their survival.

this-is-the-end-hermione

Pretty much every Hollywood star did not get accepted into heaven, including Emma Watson, Rihanna and Paul Rudd. So as hell opens up, a devil-like creature attempts to hunt them down.

It is a movie that makes fun of every actor’s reputation, with Jonah Hill being the funniest.

The main characters are James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson who are stuck in James’ mansion until they figure out a way to get into heaven, rather than hell.

this-is-the-end-character-posters-jonah-hill

They find ways to survive and pass the time…

…which gets pretty ugly.

But there are some hilarious scenes with frequent film references, which I loved. The only film reference I felt was missing was if they sung ‘Tribute” (Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny) to the beast. That would have been funny…

My favourite scene was when they were bored and tried to make a sequel The Pineapple Express using total am-cam footage, and Jonah Hill dressed up as Woody Harrelson.

Also, the part where Jonah Hill gets possessed and an exorcism takes place. They used the script from The Exorcist, but Jonah’s sarcastic replies were pretty funny.

Their humour is an acquired taste so it’s not everybody’s cup of tea. Including mine. But I can certainly appreciate the good parts – which there are more of than I was expecting.

Jodie’s rating: 6/10
Uh. Yeah, there’s a lot of swearing in the trailer… Just. FYI.

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: David Lindsay-Abaire andMitchell Kapner. Based a series by
L. Frank Baum
Starring: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff, Bill Cobbs and Joey King
—

Oz is a young children’s movie. Something I was quite unaware of until I was sitting bored brainless in the theatre.

It was an okay movie with a fantastical world of colour and mystery. But essentially no surprises or twists at all. The happily-ever-after ending was inevitable and the actions of the characters predictable.

oz_the_great_and_powerful_wicked_witch

Just watch Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland. It’s pretty much the same story but a more mature version closer to the roots of the original fable.

Obvious similarities between the two fantastical tales include:

A fantasy land
Oz
Wonderland

Dark queen versus a white queen fighting for the throne of a land
Theodora/Evanora versus Glinda
The Red Queen versus the White Queen

White Queen not able to harm any living creature

Dark Queen banished from the land

A talking animal and mentor
Finley
Cheshire Cat

Dude with a hat
Oscar Oz
Hatter

Small squeaky character:
China Girl
Dormouse

The beginning is in shot as 4:3 (square) and black and white, then becomes 16:9 (wide screen) and colourful as soon as the Wizard reaches Oz, which was a creative change. Pretty cool.

oz-the-great01

I’m never sure how to rate children’s movies, but considering this film led me to believe that it was entertaining for all ages eventuated as disappointing. For a mystical and fantastical land it required little imagination, especially with the characters being very stereotypical.

The acting was nothing special. I enjoyed Rachel Weisz’ performance, but I always like how she portrays characters. I was looking forward to Mila Kunis’ performance but it was sort of average, so was Michelle Williams’.

Rachel-Mila-oz

Children under 11-years-old will probably enjoy it. Otherwise you’ll just be paying for an afternoon nap in the cinema.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

Movie 43

Directed by: Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Patrik Forsberg, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Brett Ratner, Will Graham and Jonathan van Tulleken
Written by: Steve Baker, Will Carlough, Tobias Carlson, Jacob Fleisher, Patrik Forsberg, Will Graham, James Gunn, Claes Kjellstrom, Jack Kukoda, Bill O’Malley, Matthew Alec, Portenoy, Greg Pritikin, Rocky Russo, Olle Sarri, Elizabeth Wright Shapiro, Jeremy Sosenko, Jonathan van Tulleken, Jonas Wittenmark
Released: January 2013
Featuring: Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Seth MacFarlane, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Anna Faris, Emma Stone, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloë Grace Moretz, Gerard Butler, Johnny Knoxville, Stephen Merchant, Halle Berry AND the rest of Hollywood.
—

Short review: It sucks. Don’t bother seeing it.

So it’s pretty much a series of skits, all directed and written by different people. The story line is how a crazed writer blackmails a producer to get his movie comprised of a series of short skits made. The finished product is the movie that is in the cinemas now, Movie 43.

I mean, obviously this film was not going to be good, you could tell that from the trailer.

I can’t say I actually laughed at all in this movie… The funniest scene was the first short with Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman but even so, I only giggled a little.

The scene where Halle Berry is dared by Stephen Merchant to blow out a blind kid’s birthday candles before he does would have got a bit of a laugh too, if I hadn’t already seen the trailer and knew it was coming. Oh, and Merchant’s plastic surgery results were chuckle-worthy too.

If you want to be grossed out in a way where you also feel targeted and creeped out, skip the horror movie and watch Movie 43 by all means. But if you want to laugh at something… See an actual comedy.

I would like to take this moment to ask Kate Winslet and Emma Stone: “WHY!?”

There were many things that made me cringe, like in the homeschooling scene where the parents want to give their son every high school experience including his “first kiss”, or the entire “iBabe” sketch, or the superhero speed dating sketch. It’s not that I was necessarily offended, it just… Wasn’t funny.

Like, I understood where I was supposed to laugh and why it should be funny… But it just really wasn’t. Like when you watch an episode of Dora the Explorer and she makes a joke, you know why it is technically ‘funny’ but you don’t laugh because the jokes are simple and lame. Obviously the lame jokes in Movie 43 are R-rated humour though.

If you want to see a TON of famous people making fools of themselves, I’m sure you will enjoy this movie.

But it is rude, crude with lots of nude.

Jodie’s rating: 1.5/10 (.5 per time I chuckled)

Super

Director: James Gunn
Writer: James Gunn
Released: September 2010
Starring: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler and Kevin Bacon
—

Wow. Okay. Where do I start? I stumbled across this film when I was searching for all the movies that Ellen Page has starred in (she’s one of my favourites actresses). Loving superhero movies anyway I thought that this was going to be a genius concoction of fantastic actors and an epic storyline…

I can’t, unfortunately, say that this was the case. The trailer is a bit misleading, portraying it solely as a comedy. However, the genre of this film is most certainly a BLACK comedy. Very sadistic, violent and rather gruesome. It would be a superhero version of the black comedy A Film With Me In It (featuring Dylan Moran) which I found equally disturbing.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sadistic and gruesomely bloody movies. I love Quentin Tarentino’s Inglorious Basterds and horrors such as Scream and House of Wax. However, black comedies I find to have a different reaction to. Maybe because it tends to be average Joes committing crimes that are beyond their moral capabilities. Or because there tends to be little remorse or reflection by the characters involved.

Of course, Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are two movies that are extremely impressive black comedies that have got the balance perfect between the two opposing genres.

So, getting over the sudden shock when I realised that there will be less comedic value than I expected. I love the idea of an bog-standard guy deciding to take crime into his own hands. Known as The Crimson Bolt (Wilson) and his 22-year-old manic, obsessive and highly inappropriate (and dodgy) “kid” side-kick Boltie (Page), armed with a wrench and Wolverine-inspired claws, they take care of the city’s drug dealers and robbers.

“SHUT UP CRIME!”

“DON’T STEAL!”
“DON’T DO DRUGS!”
“DON’T MOLEST KIDS!”

I do like the quirkiness and the comic-related characteristics that remind me of Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Very cool indeed.

There were a few too many scenes that I thought were just crude. Not funny, nor necessary to the storyline. I also thought that the main character Frank/The Crimson Bolt was a bit… Blank. I know that he’s not supposed to be the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, perhaps a modern day cross between Forrest Gump and Harold Crick (Stranger Than Fiction), but I don’t think he had enough emotion for the audience to really feel for him or understand where he was coming from, making me feel distant from the protagonist.

It has been a common comment by critics that this story has been told before via Kick-Ass released before Super. I can most certainly relate to this. Not only was it a very similar concept, I also found that they shared the same sort of audience. It was a superhero film targeting a much more mature audience rather that the light-hearted feel-good moral superhero movies.

Over all, a disappointment. Yet, I still feel attached to the universally popular idea of being a superhero and what would happen.

Jodie’s rating: 5/10

I love Ellen Page. She’s hilarious.

Two Little Boys

Director: Robert Sarkies
Writers: Duncan and Robert Sarkies
Released: September 2012
Starring: Bret McKenzie, Hamish Blake, Maaka Pohatu, Filip Berg
—

I am so disturbed! Okay, I know it was a black comedy, but where was the comedy?

It was about Deano (Hamish Blake) who showed his ability to dispose of the man that his friend, Nige (Bret McKenzie) accidentally killed. They both go on a wild adventure to dispose of the body, eventually Deano decides to cut the body up. He comments on the consistency of the spinal chord of the corpse in gruesome detail with sound effects to match.

The story continues as he plans to murder Nige’s new best friend, a large security guard who I thought was the funniest of all three.

This movie was nothing like I expected it to be. After watching Hamish and Andy’s Australian television series, I was expecting it to be more of that kind of slap-stick, silly comedy. But it really wasn’t… It was just… Freaky.

Hamish and Bret — “Just doing some washing…”

I actually couldn’t tell you any specific jokes I liked to be honest… The story was easy to follow and straight forward, but nothing really stood out. (Except for the parts that made me cringe…) If you have seen the film with Dylan Moran in it named “A Film With Me In It”, you’ll know what I mean when I say that it was a dark film that almost made you feel guilty by laughing either out of nervousness, or at the few funny parts.

Don’t think that it’s a kiwiana film with deep and meaningful themes, nor is it a movie that expresses the kiwi humour. It does, however, present the 1980s New Zealand in a way that seems pretty legit’. It is certainly aimed at the New Zealand audience.

It’s probably not a film you would be buzzing about and talking about after… Probably not something you would watch more than once either. If you want to have a laugh, watch the trailer.

Jodie’s rating: 4/10

The Dictator

Director: Larry Charles
Writers: Sacha Baron Cohen, Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer
Released: May 2012
—

I love Sacha Baron Cohen’s work (for the most part), Ali-G and Borat as well as his amazing performance in the musical Sweeney Todd, where we discovered that he is a half decent singer!

I went into the cinema with admittedly low expectations, since I quietly thought that perhaps Sacha had sold out after Bruno was released… Which although I did not see, I was sort of put off by all the grossed-out people I knew who did see it…

So The Dictator is basically about… A dictator… who fights against Democracy being introduced into his country. He picks on America, describing how great their country would be if their Government ditched democracy and adopted dictatorship, “the leader could help out his friends financially, forget about the poor, give 1% of the population 99% of the money…”

The Dictator was different in the fact that it was not a mockumentary… It became a Hollywood version of Borat, with Anna Faris as the love interest and a recycled character of Ali-G + Borat as the protagonist; Admiral General Hafez Aladeen with the accent slipping in some places.

But! It was certainly an enjoyable film! There were some pretty hilarious parts – despite them all being extremely racist… But why would that be a surprise?? I would mention some of the funniest lines but… I won’t.

Anna Faris played Zoe who owns the vegan/fair trade/organic/non-racist/feminist/sustainable… store that the Dictator works at whilst in America. Those scenes are pretty funny, I’m not going to lie…

Just like every Sacha Baron Cohen film, this isn’t for everybody. But if you go in with low expectations and an open mind it is a good laugh for sure – especially if you watch it with friends.
However, I think Baron Cohen should probably think of a totally new character and stick to mockumentary style.

Not bad, not bad.
Jodie’s rating: 5/10

This isn’t the trailer, but it’s an extended clip which is more funny to watch than the official trailer to be honest… 4:07 is where the most hilarious facials are at…

Hereafter

Director: Clint Eastwood
Writer: Peter Morgan
Released: 2010
Starring: Matt Damon Cécile de France, Bryce Dallas Howard
—

Released in 2010?? Are you kidding me? I thought we would have mastered the art of writing and making films by then… Jeez!

And Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Where is your head?? You are on my top 10 actors… And you sign yourself up for this??

So anyway, having bought this DVD on a bit of a whim I felt obliged to like it. But I found it difficult since the story line was virtually non-existent.

Don’t get me wrong, the first ten or so minutes were SO intense! A tsunami comes out of nowhere and you feel the panic under water – similar to the movie 2012. But after that, you pretty much get whip lash from the sudden decrease in pace of the movie.

You can see the Tsunami here:

George (Damon) is a psychic who denies his gift and tries to live a normal life. He eventually meets Melanie (Bryce Dallas Howard) who pushes him to give her a reading which abruptly ends the date… We never see Melanie for the rest of the film. Which was actually a blessing in disguise because Howard did a terrible job of acting – all hands and awkward pauses… rather jarring actually.

There are three story lines that intertwine which could have been effective if it wasn’t so damn slow and predictable. It really was obvious because after you find out George is a psychic and how he got his powers, you can fit the puzzle very quickly. Because you know that whoever dies in the film and comes back to life will have these powers, and the people who witness death will somehow find George.

I called it a ‘puzzle’ but it was literally a three-piece puzzle. Where you could figure out the picture before you had even put the pieces together…

Clint Eastwood is a master of light. But the lack of light in every scene made me squint and it ended up not making the film mysterious because it ignored the audience. Like, the lack of light shut the audience out of the scene.

The scenes of the natural disaster and the car crash scenes were very realistic though. I have to give him that.

I am selling this DVD online – I am confident that I will ever waste two hours of my life on this movie again. It was sssoooo boring!!

Unfortunately Matt Damon is in that We Bought A Zoo film so it looks as though his awesome days of Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan and The Bourne Identity are sadly over…

hereafter — Matt Damon – Please pick your films more carefully next time!

Matt Damon – I have not lost faith in you yet!

Jodie’s rating: 2/10

War Horse

Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Morpurgo
Released: 2011
Starring: Emily Watson, David Thewlis, Peter Mullan, Niels Arestrup, Jeremy Irvine
—

Wow. What a spectacular disappointment.

So I went into the cinema with my tissues already to go, as I was expecting another epic Spielberg film that would be as shocking and as accurate as Saving Private Ryan and even more tragic and as touching as Black Beauty.

Sobbing — How I felt before War Horse – ready for a sad and heroic film

I was forgiving at first:

“Okay, the colt is played by a filly… I can get over that…”

“Okay, the foal has different markings to the previous scene…”

But then we got to Albert training the horse, Joey. My suspension of disbelief was non-existent when it was implied that the horse was trained by being spoken to – in English no less.

I mean the farmer dude was saying “hey Joey. Stay… Stay… Stay…. Now come here!” and the horse would come trotting over when he said so… I mean with NO previous training – that’s not possible.

Believe you me, horses don’t learn things by being spoken at. (Although I couldn’t help but try it out on my horse Apache when I got home… He looked at me weird then turned and walked away.

Nor do horses learn by copying a human, such as when Albert wanted to put a harness on Joey. They obviously had two stunt horses; the first one threw his head around at the sight of the harness, but then Albert was all like; ‘come on Joey we need you to plough the field… See you just put your nose through like this’. Then the boy put his head through the harness to show the horse what he meant (smart guy).

Then, HEY PRESTO! The horse had learned, and the other stunt horse – who was trained to have a harness on – seamlessly took the previous horse’s place and they were ready to go to plough the field! Warm and fuzzies… But, I. Mean. Seriously.

I was almost sick in my mouth when Joey ‘taught’ his horse friend how to put a harness on… Because that’s what horses would really do.

Moving on from the horse, the human actors – to put it plainly – sucked ass. Some of the actors couldn’t quite hold their accents very well, such as Emilie (Celine Buckens) who was supposed to be a French girl yet she sounded English. (Hey I was right! I just checked Wikipedia and she is English.)

Some of the actors were very unbelievable, particularly on the battle fields, like when a soldier got shot in the leg, Albert helped him up and they both ran to safety… Ran to safety… Running.

I didn’t shed a tear or feel upset AT ALL during this movie, except, perhaps, when it finished because I felt so disappointed.

I was expecting epic music like Danny Elfman’s in Black Beauty which makes you cry just listening to it. I was expecting fewer stereotypical scenes and more realistic reactions from horses. But they gave the animals human emotions… and the ability to understand English…

I think that’s what made this film go completely topsy-turvey. It was a horrific and graphic story that was seriously sugar-coated. I believe it was aimed at the younger audiences who have recently been weened off Disney films.

Steven, it could have been A-MA-ZING if it was historically accurate!

There were two scenes, however, that had the potential to be memorable scenes if they didn’t try to shelter the audience so much. One was when two German soldiers were shot because they tried to escape the fight on horseback. But the windmill blocked your vision and the extreme wide shot added zero emotion to it.

The other scene was when the English soldier surrendered to walk onto the battlefield to rescue ‘Joey’ from barbed wire and the German enemy came to help. Now this scene would have been so meaningful if it wasn’t for them being too casual with each other. It was pretty much the sort of conversation two old highschool bullies would have had if they met each other forty years later in a department store.

Really?? This is war! Not something to be made light heartedly. Spielberg should know that – he made the most accurate WW2 movie in Hollywood’s history.

I expected Saving Private Ryan/Schindler’s List mixed with Black Beauty... Not Babe mixed with a film that should have gone straight to DVD…

Jodie’s regretful and disappointing rating of: 3/10

Awwwww but the trailer looks so goooooood!! :( Especially the part where the horses are in the girl’s room. (But when you watch the film you see that to get to Emilie’s room, the horses would have had to climb up a staircase that looked like a ladder…)