war horse

old Spice horse advert

War huuuurse. Directed by Steven Spielbhuuuuurg Horse films are typically watched by horseriders, which means the film is going to have a very critical audience right off the bat.

I can’t enjoy horse films or TV shows (although… I don’t really know anyone over the age of 12 who does) because it’s really difficult not to nit-pick.

These are the things that always seem to let a horse film down:

Foals not being the gender they’re supposed to be. (War Horse and Black Beauty (1994)).
Using incorrect terminology. (Racing Stripes).
Fake white markings. Therefore, making the differences between all four of the horses used to play the main horse very obvious.
“Wild horses” wearing metal shoes (Of Horses and Men and The Saddle Club).
Actors who can’t ride! The studio cut-aways to the actor riding in front of a green screen does not make up for it! (Flicka).
Giving the actor a saddle to use when they’re supposed to be riding bareback (Snow White and the Huntsman and McLeod’s Daughters, watch it here). Also, “bridleless” horses (see right) wearing bridles made of string (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe).
Wrong sound effects used for when horses are cantering on grass. Sometimes it sounds like they’re galloping on concrete wearing iron shoes (Black Beauty).
– So much rearing!!
Excessive loyalty between horse and rider. Horses aren’t dogs. Horses don’t sniff out their human from across a battlefield. I’m referring to that bloody War Horse film again of course.
The worst thing? The excessive neighs and horse sounds. Horses are actually really quiet animals in most circumstances. This blunder is in every film with horses.

I think the biggest disappointment though, is the false hope we get from horse films. I always get so pumped to go out for a ride after watching Black Beauty or whatever, but when I hop on my old nag, he refuses to look awesome and respond in the same way as a Friesian does. He also has never protected me from so much as a wasp, let alone a fire, a speeding truck or gun-waving soldiers as seen in the movies.

I must give a thumbs-up to the following horse movies though. For the most part, they got a lot right.

Seabiscuit.
Certainly looks like Toby Maguire can ride!
Black Beauty (1994).
I’m still baffled as to how they got the horses to do half the things they did. Maybe the animal welfare laws were a tad lax in those days? Fantastic score though!
The Horse Whisperer (featuring Scarlett Johansson).
Again, how they got the horses to do much of what they did is amazing. A very realistic approach to training for once too. And, yes! That’s another dig at War Horse! It’s terrible! I wrote all about it here. Including the part where horses climb ladders to get into the loft.
Of Horses and Men.
A beautiful Icelandic horse film celebrating the horses’ way of life there.

Random facts:

Most horses in films are solid colours because it’s easier to get a double that looks the same. That’s why you rarely see spotty, patchy or dappled horses on the screen – even the ones in the background, so as not to draw attention away from the main horse… I wasn’t going to break out the Saddle Club fan girl in me, but that’s why Comanche is an Appaloosa in the books but a bay in the TV series! SCANDAL!
Solid black horses with no white markings tend to be difficult to come across. Hence why Friesians are often used (Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, any war or fantasy film you can think of), because that breed only comes in black, never has white markings and they’re all similar in size and height.
Horses are taught to rear to show resistance to the rider because teaching them to buck is much, much harder to do.
The two gorgeous ponies in Sleepy Hollow are my favourites. Johnny Depp even adopted the one he rode (named Gunpowder in the film, and Goldeneye in real life) because he was going to be put down after the film! *Sigh*

Thank you to my fellow equestrian friends for helping me collate this list!

Let me leave you with the worst and most cringe-worthy horse film trailer I’ve seen. Enjoy.

Jodie.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Morpurgo
Released: 2011
Starring: Emily Watson, David Thewlis, Peter Mullan, Niels Arestrup, Jeremy Irvine
—

Wow. What a spectacular disappointment.

So I went into the cinema with my tissues already to go, as I was expecting another epic Spielberg film that would be as shocking and as accurate as Saving Private Ryan and even more tragic and as touching as Black Beauty.

Sobbing — How I felt before War Horse – ready for a sad and heroic film

I was forgiving at first:

“Okay, the colt is played by a filly… I can get over that…”

“Okay, the foal has different markings to the previous scene…”

But then we got to Albert training the horse, Joey. My suspension of disbelief was non-existent when it was implied that the horse was trained by being spoken to – in English no less.

I mean the farmer dude was saying “hey Joey. Stay… Stay… Stay…. Now come here!” and the horse would come trotting over when he said so… I mean with NO previous training – that’s not possible.

Believe you me, horses don’t learn things by being spoken at. (Although I couldn’t help but try it out on my horse Apache when I got home… He looked at me weird then turned and walked away.

Nor do horses learn by copying a human, such as when Albert wanted to put a harness on Joey. They obviously had two stunt horses; the first one threw his head around at the sight of the harness, but then Albert was all like; ‘come on Joey we need you to plough the field… See you just put your nose through like this’. Then the boy put his head through the harness to show the horse what he meant (smart guy).

Then, HEY PRESTO! The horse had learned, and the other stunt horse – who was trained to have a harness on – seamlessly took the previous horse’s place and they were ready to go to plough the field! Warm and fuzzies… But, I. Mean. Seriously.

I was almost sick in my mouth when Joey ‘taught’ his horse friend how to put a harness on… Because that’s what horses would really do.

Moving on from the horse, the human actors – to put it plainly – sucked ass. Some of the actors couldn’t quite hold their accents very well, such as Emilie (Celine Buckens) who was supposed to be a French girl yet she sounded English. (Hey I was right! I just checked Wikipedia and she is English.)

Some of the actors were very unbelievable, particularly on the battle fields, like when a soldier got shot in the leg, Albert helped him up and they both ran to safety… Ran to safety… Running.

I didn’t shed a tear or feel upset AT ALL during this movie, except, perhaps, when it finished because I felt so disappointed.

I was expecting epic music like Danny Elfman’s in Black Beauty which makes you cry just listening to it. I was expecting fewer stereotypical scenes and more realistic reactions from horses. But they gave the animals human emotions… and the ability to understand English…

I think that’s what made this film go completely topsy-turvey. It was a horrific and graphic story that was seriously sugar-coated. I believe it was aimed at the younger audiences who have recently been weened off Disney films.

Steven, it could have been A-MA-ZING if it was historically accurate!

There were two scenes, however, that had the potential to be memorable scenes if they didn’t try to shelter the audience so much. One was when two German soldiers were shot because they tried to escape the fight on horseback. But the windmill blocked your vision and the extreme wide shot added zero emotion to it.

The other scene was when the English soldier surrendered to walk onto the battlefield to rescue ‘Joey’ from barbed wire and the German enemy came to help. Now this scene would have been so meaningful if it wasn’t for them being too casual with each other. It was pretty much the sort of conversation two old highschool bullies would have had if they met each other forty years later in a department store.

Really?? This is war! Not something to be made light heartedly. Spielberg should know that – he made the most accurate WW2 movie in Hollywood’s history.

I expected Saving Private Ryan/Schindler’s List mixed with Black Beauty... Not Babe mixed with a film that should have gone straight to DVD…

Jodie’s regretful and disappointing rating of: 3/10

Awwwww but the trailer looks so goooooood!! :( Especially the part where the horses are in the girl’s room. (But when you watch the film you see that to get to Emilie’s room, the horses would have had to climb up a staircase that looked like a ladder…)

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Top 10: Flaws in Horse Films